White or Red Sir?

If you're one of those handful of people who could happily bet the farm on telling a semillon from a fine chardonnay just by smell, please read on, this isn't for you. But for the rest of us students of marketing and behaviour, buying a bottle of wine is a great replacement metaphor for a textbook full of marketing theory.

So. You need a bottle of wine. Picture yourself in Tesco's. A bewildering range of countries, grapes and vintages. To help to separate wood from tree, where better to start than price?

Now maybe it's just me, but I can categorically guarantee, in an adult lifetime of study, that I have never bought the cheapest bottle of wine in the shop, however limited the range. I can also guarantee that I've never bought the most expensive. Like most people, I start my wine choice by starting in the middle. Based on how flush you are, there's always a price that seems right, not too cheap but not extravagant, flash or wasteful. In Australia, you're probably talking $20. In the UK, it's a tenner. Isn't it?

So that's price taken care of, where next? Let me think, meat or fish or boozy afternoon? Onwards we go. You know the colour, you know the general price and you're keen to get on with things. The choice is still bewildering and you're no nearer to making a purchase.

This sound like you? Take a moment now to think what might be going through your head? Perhaps you're trying to remember the name of something that you paid a fortune for in a posh eatery? Or are you trying to remember a review or perhaps an overheard conversation with the local wine bore?

Faced with such a huge choice, is there any chance you're now starting to consider picking one with a nice label? A curious or clever name? Or are you wondering about the one with the rosettes on it? After all, if it won the bronze rozette in the Mudgee district 1993 wine awards, it can't be a bad drop can it? And only $18.99 on special. Sold!

Next time you're wondering why your sales are down, think of the consumer on the wine trail...

Is your product in the right shop? In the right price bracket? Have there been good things about you in the press recently ? Do you have a groovy name or attractive label?

Failing all of that, heaven forbid...any rosettes?

Getting started.

God knows how many hours they'd sweated over the pitch. My company had asked three of the UK's biggest agencies to respond to the brief and they were second in line. The first guys had rolled out some Hollywood style TV idea. Not going to happen. But these guys were different. They had a great idea. A radio idea. And we waited, hushed, with breath bated. The head of creative was ready to read us the script.

Now radio is a notoriously tough medium. Anyone that wins a creative award for radio deserves to drown in expensive champagne. For a medium that screams "one day sale", difficult brand messages are notoriously hard. Words need to be lovingly crafted into 30 beautiful seconds, lasting messages imparted and stories quickly told.

So to all Advertising agency heads, here's the hot tip. If your brilliant head of creative has the genetic misfortune to speak like Rocky after a night on the tiles, hire an actor to read that script.

Oh, and tell him not to chew gum when he's reading...

"Next!"